ABC’S OF MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS (F.Y.I. They Are Thirty Three (33))

ImageA – is for Arteries.You know, the things that my ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for me – a twit. She was only after my money and could have given a shit about me.

B – is for Bitter. Who? Me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have two (2) children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!!

C – is for Call Ya Later. She wouldn’t. She never had before.

D – is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E – is for Eating Like A Pig. Remember when I took her out and she said, “I’m not hungry.” So I figured I could take her to a nice place because I was able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than Ssekyanzi (Remember Ssekyanzi, the one who was doing Sciences at E.S.S.S and used to step in his food?) So I flip the bill and was broke for the next two weeks and she wondered why I was unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F – is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if I can even stand to look at her.

G – is for Gun. And yes, there is a waiting period.

H – is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, I figure it out.

I – stands for I Still Hate Her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favours.

J – stands for Jimmy. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn’t Jim have a nice car? Doesn’t Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jimmy. Jimmy is my mortal enemy.

K – stands for Kill.

L – is for Love. It’s a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

M – stands for Mephistopheles. That is who she worked for.

N – stands for Necrophilia. She didn’t move very much. Did she?

O – is for On Top. When she was on top, she had another O word.

P – is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing me for a few hundred thousand shillings a month.

Q – is for Quitter. She couldn’t last.

R – is for Rich Little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S – stands for Suffer. That’s what she made me do.

T – is for Torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured me with the truth. She also tortured me with lies.

U – is for Understatement. Saying I Hate that Bitch is an understatement.

V – is for Voluptous. That is the primary reason I was dating her in the first place.

W – stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X – is for Xylophone. Because X is always for Xylophone.

Y – stands for You Suck! Remember when she yelled that at me.

Z – stands for ZIPPER. That’s what I got my hair stuck in while trying to get dressed up too quickly while she yelled “QUICK, They are Home.”

. – stands for Period. Which is a couple of weeks late because she lied about taking what P stands for. It also means you won’t be getting any for a week.